Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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