mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
