Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
