No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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