i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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