I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
