Even water is tasting like jack daniels
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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