Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
They took my balls.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
