im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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