I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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