Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
