and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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