Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
