he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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