How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
