I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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