So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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