I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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