i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
