I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
