guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am spending my child support on dildos
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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