ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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