i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
