Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
