I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
