Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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