i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
