Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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