Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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