dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
