just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
