But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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