can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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