Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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