i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
