The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
