her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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