why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
