I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
