I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
