I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
