Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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