i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
