Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
