fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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