I am midnight drunk by noon
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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