could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
