i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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