I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
