By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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